Baby at all costs
by AAB
Summary: MAc wants a baby. And she wants it now.
1. Chapter 1

_Disclaimer: not mine, Bellisario's_

**Baby at all costs?**

_Set a year after the baby deal_

**Part 1  
**

It was chilly. Correction, it was downright cold. And it certainly was not Mac's favourite job to stand at an open grave. Let alone the grave of a child. Still it was her job. It was the end, or at least the end of the preliminary investigation. The child, a little boy was found dead next to a navy base and the Admiral had assigned Harm and Mac to the task of finding out what had happened to the little John Doe.  
Mac looked aside. Harm was standing next to her, sporting, as she was sure, an identical grim expression on his face as she had. The priest invited them to pray and they bowed their heads, listening to the words of the Lord's Prayer.  
After that they walked to their cars. Mac was getting a ride from Harriet. She would have loved to ride with Harm but he had places to go to. Neither Harriet nor Mac were very talkative, still deeply impressed by the funeral. Finally Harriet started to talk. "I sure hope you will find out who that little boy was. And who has done this to him. Do you have any leads already?"  
Mac shook her head sadly. "Not much. Bud is still searching databases for the comparison of DNA but until now no luck. Nobody has heard or seen anything. The cloths he was wearing you can buy in any shop and were well worn, so probably the mother had them a long time or bought them second hand or someone gave them to her. Either way we can't determine where they came from."  
Harriet sighed. "I'll never able to understand how a mother can leave her kid like this." She laid a protecting hand on her own belly. Mac looked surprised and raised a brown. Harriet blushed and nodded. "Yes, Bud and I are expecting again. But don't tell. We've only known it for a few days ourselves and want to wait a little longer before announcing."  
Mac nodded. "I won't," she promise.  
When she was home Mac flopped down on the couch. It had been such an emotional day. In her mind she relived the events of the day. The dead little boy, versus Harriet being pregnant again a year after she had given birth to little AJ. They would celebrate his birthday the next Saturday and both Harm and she, being his godparents, would be there. Suddenly she was a year back in time, standing outside the office and looking at the ambulance and she heard herself say "My biological clock is going off and I keep hitting the snooze button." She felt her stomach contract. She didn't want to wait another four years. She too wanted a baby. Now!  
She sighed. Harm still had four years to make good on his promise. If he had meant it in the first place. Which she doubted. It was a pretty strong thing to decide in the blink of an eye. It probable had been a whim, best forgotten as soon as possible. Harm was prone to be impulsive. The ceiling of the courtroom still bore the evidence of that.  
And why would he choose her to be the mother of his child? Even though she was his best friend. Or so she flattered herself to be. Friend being the key-word here. Friend, not date, not girlfriend. Or lover. Or even more: fiancé of spouse. Again a deep sigh. She was not his type, which was blonde and long legged. And not too many brains.  
There was yet another reason he probably didn't find her suitable, let alone worthy. Her past. Being an alcoholic, coming from a family of alcoholism and abuse. No, she'd better forget his badly considered proposal.  
But still she wanted a baby! 

The next day she set her plan in motion. First she spent several hours behind the computer checking out addresses. The next thing was to write for information. Days later the letters came in: two from Washington, three from New York and one from somewhere in Pennsylvania. In the mean time she had written down questions she wanted to be answered. She spent a weekend plotting out all conditions and the answers to her questions in a spreadsheet, marking the ones she liked best with colours. That week she sat behind her computer again and searched for reviews, copying them in her research file as well.  
After reviewing all the information she collected she picked the two firms she liked the best and started to fill in the paperwork. 

_Wednesday evening  
Mac's apartment  
_There was a knock on the door and Mac looked up, surprised. She didn't expect anyone.  
It was Harm, carrying a small box.  
"Hi, I was in the neighbourhood." He smiled. "I brought chocolate mousse cake."  
Mac smiled. "I'll make coffee."  
In the mean time Harm wandered through the apartment. He saw the stack of paperwork on the desk, Mac had been busy with.  
"What are you working on?" It was just a causal question, one they had asked each other a million times. But it was the last one Mac wanted to answer now. Harm looked at her, a bit bewildered by not getting an answer. Then he picked up the papers and scanned them. She saw his eyes narrow, his shoulders stiffen and his features set. She held her breath.  
Slowly he lowered the papers and looked at her. His eyes were dark blue pools in a pale face. "You are looking for a sperm donor? I thought _we_ had a deal. But if this is what you want, right!"  
He threw the papers back on the desk, turned on his heels and left without another word, the door slamming behind him. The cake stood forgotten on the table. Mac hid her face in her hands. What had she done? 

_The next morning  
_Mac was sitting in her office, feeling miserable. He hardly had said anything to her that morning and as soon as they had arrived at the office he had disappeared into his room. She tried to concentrate on the files lying in front of her but in vain. It was she was waiting for the sword to drop.  
There was a rap on the door and when she looked up it was the man she now dreaded to see the most. Harm wasted no time in asking to be seated.  
"I spoke to the Admiral this morning. There is a TAD in King's Bay and I volunteered. I have to report 8.00 Monday morning so I'll leave on Sunday."  
Mac had to all she could to stay calm. Not trusting her voice she only nodded.  
Harm rose. "I wanted to tell you myself. The Admiral will announce it during staff meeting." He walked to the door. At the doorstep he turned. "When I am back, we will talk." And with that he was gone. 


	2. Chapter 2

_**Part 2**_

_Friday late afternoon  
JAG office  
_It was the week before Christmas although the joy of the season wasn't mirrored in her soul. Would he be home by then? As for now there was no clue when his TAD would end. And would he be willing to talk to her. Would they be able to mend fences?  
She blinked furiously to prevent the tears from falling.  
He hadn't been in Washington for Thanksgiving. Mercifully the thanksgiving dinner at the Roberts was cancelled, due to a wave of flu flooding the office. It would have been impossible for her to tell what she was grateful for without bursting into tears, even though she knew she had a lot to be grateful for, starting with Bud and Harriet's friendship. It had taken Harriet only a day to realize her taking Harms leave so hard had nothing to do with him simply not being around. That there was more, much more to it. After a few days of subtle and not so subtle hints Harriet had asked her straight out. It was on a Friday, and luckily the office was already deserted, except for a few diehards working behinds closed doors, for Mac had burst into tears right away. She hadn't been able to tell Harriet the whole story, though. Only that she had done something very stupid and unforgivable and that was the reason for Harm's TAD.  
What hadn't made things easier was that Harriet was expecting again and naturally wanted to share her joy with her friend. Mac's throat tightened. Of course she was happy for her and Bud but at the same time…. Comforting her friend as much as possible Harriet had her own thoughts about it. How could two people apparently loving each other so much be so stupid?  
In the mean time, in the rare cases Harm contacted the office she made it her task to get as much information as possible about how he was doing, and she instructed Bud to do the same. Alas, Bud being the sometimes clueless man he was settled for a 'fine' in stead of asking any further so Harriet was still Mac's one source of information. And how she longed to hear from him.  
For the zillionth time she beat herself up for not simply asking Harm. One little sentence, only eight words. 'Do we have to wait another four years?" At least they could have talked about it. And now he was gone… and most likely their friendship as well. With a sigh and an angry gesture she rubbed her eyes and refocused on the task at hands. 9 Files down, 3 to go. She calculated she could be ready at 19.00 leaving her with no work to take home, nothing to distract her thoughts. But since she had taken work home for the last couple of weeks she just was tired. Even if it meant hours of free time to think.  
A slight noise at the door caught her attention. Looking up her pen fell from her suddenly powerless hand. Standing at her office door was … Harm.  
He wasn't smiling, his expression rather was nervous. After a few moments Mac found her voice back. "You're back," she managed to say, chastising herself at the same time for the stupidity of that comment. Luckily he didn't seem to notice, himself being at loss of words. At last he answered "yes, I'm back."  
They stared at each other. Mac's eyes roamed his tall body. He seemed fine; clearly he worked out during his TAD. The lines next to his eyes seemed a bit deeper but she couldn't be sure. In the mean time he took her in, from her soft dark hair, her face, her taut figure, at bit thinner as he remembered her. She seemed tensed and he couldn't blame her.  
Finally he extended a hand. "Come," he said and without a word Mac rose, tidied her desk, grabbed her stuff and followed him. Together they walked to the parking lot and Mac slid into the passenger seat as if nothing ever had changed.  
During the drive there was silence, but it wasn't as awkward and tensed as she had feared. It was more … expecting… but for the sake of her life she couldn't say if the outcome would be bad or good. Suddenly he said "Want to pick up some Chinese?" She nodded and grabbed her cell to order.  
When they reached Mac's building apartment they climbed the stairs, the elevator once again being out of service, and entered her apartment. Mac turned towards Harm and suddenly the silence seemed to smother them. Staring at each other both waited for the other to start talking. Mac was the first who couldn't stand the tension anymore...  
"I'm going to change" she choked out, before almost flying to her bedroom and closing the door behind her. Her mind went overtime while she quickly changed into jeans and a dark green sweat shirt. Coming back to the living she headed for the kitchen to get plates and silverware. In the periphery of her sight she was aware of him sitting straight on the couch. After setting the table she rushed back to pop their dinner into the microwave for a moment. She placed the boxes on the table and only now turned to him again. She almost cried out. It hurt, it hurt so much to see him sit stiffly, like an ill at ease visitor, in stead of having shed shoes and jacket, feeling home away form home, like he would have done only weeks before. Without realizing it she inched towards him, now standing. She saw him swallow. Almost mesmerized by his eyes she could see, although not define the raw emotions in them. She was hardly aware of his hand coming up, until she felt it cupping the back of her head. Ever so slowly he pulled her towards him, leaned in, then hesitated as to give her the opportunity to pull back. As if she ever would want that. Then his lips landed on hers, gently at first but with increasing force. She hardly recognized the whimper as coming form her own throat and angled her head to grant him better access. Her hands slid over his chest toward his shoulders and then her arms locked firmly behind his neck. She met him every inch, answering his passion with her own.  
Finally lack of breath forced them apart. She looked at him, eyes dazed. "I'm so sorry," she whispered. "I love you so much." What ever would happen, she needed to say that, needed him to hear.  
He smiled. "Hey," he softly said "those are my lines." Her eyes grew wide. He nodded "I love you, Sarah, and I'm sorry I kept you waiting so long."  
Mac laid her fingers on his lips to shush him. "I understand. You needed time." She wrapped her arms around him once more, her eyes pleading. He immediately understood her. "I love you,' he repeated, punctuating every word with a kiss. "I love you so much." He scooped her up and sat on the couch, Mac in his lap. She caressed his face, then wrapped her arms around him again. "I can't believe this is happening. Do you really love me?"  
Harm laughed and nodded. "Yes. I do." He grew serious. "That's why it hurt so much. The one you love the most is the one with the most power to hurt you." He shook his head when she wanted to interrupt him. "We have to talk about it, Mac. That doesn't have to be now. But I want this to work and if we are not open to each other..."  
Mac nodded. She knew she was right. "Let's eat first and talk afterwards," she suggested, feeling her stomach protesting. Harm agreed. She hopped from his lap to reheat the food. Despite her anxiety Mac was hungry and the food was gone before they realized it.  
After dinner they set to talk. Both unsure who would go first and how to start, Harm finally decided to break the silence.  
"I had to get away. It was just such a blow. I thought we were making progress, becoming closer. I was working up my nerves to ask you for a date in stead of just hanging out together. H***, I even ordered tickets for a play I knew you wanted to see. I thought we had a deal, a deal I still considered valid. And there you were, planning to have a baby with a complete stranger. Like I was not good enough to father your child." He bit his lip, having revealed more than he intended.  
Mac hung her head. She was so ashamed.  
"It took me quiet a while to think straight again. Weeks, maybe. But then I started to miss you. No only hanging out. Or discussing of a case. Or going out on a social event. But also all those small things… you know the things that were us. Like bringing each other a cup of coffee or looking at each other during a meeting, knowing we thought exactly the same."  
Mac took a deep breath to keep her tears at bay. She'd never known those little moments meant as much to Harm as they did to her.  
"And I remembered your face. The moment I saw you with the paperwork and your face when I told you I would be on a TAD. It was then that I knew I had to come home. Had to talk to you. That I would never be at peace if I stayed away." He went silent leaving the stage to her.  
"Harm, I'm so sorry about what I did. There is no excuse for it. I spent the last few weeks, actually since the day you left to find out why I did it. I even saw Lt. Cdr. McCool …" she heard Harm's quick intake of air, surprised she visited a psychologist. She gave him a slightly sad smile. "Yes, I even saw a shrink and I have to say, it did help. I can only give you the events that led to it …" She waited till he nodded. "It was a year ago we made that baby deal and I was constantly thinking about it. And then that burial of that poor little boy." She took a breath, willing herself to stay calm. "It was all I could think about. How much I wanted a baby. And how long four years were. How big the chance you found someone else and wasn't available anymore. If you meant it at the first place…" She hung her head.  
Harm was flabbergasted. "Mac, I never make a promise without the intention to keep it!"  
Mac's lips quivered. "I know but... you have to admit it was a pretty strong thing to promise. I couldn't believe …" This was the hardest thing to confess. "It wasn't about you not being good enough. It was about me not being good enough for you! I couldn't believe that you wanted _me_ to be the mother of your children. Me… let's not sugar-coat it, I come from white trash. My dad was a drunk and abused my mum. I finished high school, but only just. I'm an alcoholic. And you are a war hero, coming from a family of war heroes, good looking, faithful, honest, a successful lawyer. You can have ten girls at each finger. Why should you choose me?"  
Harm was stunned. How could she doubt herself so much? He grabbed her hands "Mac, I made that promise because, in a flash, I saw an opportunity to get what I always wanted, a lasting place in your life. Even though I wasn't yet ready to commit myself to a relationship, I certainly wasn't ready to let you go either. In that split second I figured that when we had a child together you would never be able to ban me out of your life. We would always have a connection. You knew I would never abandon a child of mine!" He shook his head, speaking out the words he though just seconds earlier "How can you doubt yourself so much? Sell yourself so short? You are the most beautiful women I know. Outside _and_ inside. You're brave, caring, compassionate. Don't you know how much I admire the way you managed to build up your life? True, you don't come from the best family and yes, you were an alcoholic but that makes it even more amazing what you became. And I love you, I love you so much."  
During his passionate speech tears had started to cascade down Mac's face and tenderly he wiped them away. She flung herself in his arms, clinging on.  
When she calmed down she said "I should have seen right away, you know."  
Harm looked puzzled. "Seen what?"  
"That I didn't want _a_ child but _your_ child. After you busted me with those papers about sperm banks I threw them aside, never to look again to but three weeks ago I had to tidy up. And I went through them…" She blushed, "Not to use them but just in case." Harm nodded. Both being lawyers they were used to scrutinize all pieces of papers once again before throwing them away, just in case something important was in them. "I quickly flipped trough them. I already had filled in some of the questions and then it hit me. Each time I filled in how my donor should look he had your features. Tall, dark hair, blue gray eyes. If I had been able to add a crooked ear, I would have. Each child of mine I imaged looked like you. Even as she had my skin tone and eyes she still had your smile. If only I had paid more attention..."  
She looked at Harm to see if he understand and was shocked to see tears in his eyes. She cupped his face and tenderly wiped them away, then kissed him. "I'm so sorry," she apologized again.  
"What do you want now?" Harm suddenly asked.  
Mac was surprised by his question but there was no hesitation in her voice when she said "You! I want to be with you. In whatever way we decide. Just you. And your baby. Or babies, if God permit." She thought she never saw such a look of happiness on his face.  
"You will!" he swore. "You will!"  
Her hands kept caressing his face until he stilled them in his, bringing them to his lips for a kiss.  
"Will you go out with me, on a date?" he suddenly asked. Mac nodded fervently.  
He kissed her again. "Tomorrow?"  
Mac nodded again and snuggled in even more. Suddenly she was exhausted. Weeks of bad sleeping took their toll.  
Harm smiled. "I love you," he told her again "and tomorrow we are going to discuss the rest of our life. Our life together." 

The end


End file.
